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Open Letter to Al'Qaida


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June 6, 2007

Dear Al'Qaida —

Thank you for attempting to terrorize the "Free World". We, the powerful and the rich, who set policy and control so much of the world's culture and wealth, we benefit immensely from your alleged attempt to destroy us. The fear you cast into the hearts of the common people solidifies our power structures, it feeds our purses, and it allows us to attack other nations based on even the feeblest assertion that they have or had something to do with your activities. Yes, indeed, thank you.

Even better, you are helping us now undermine the unity of the Arab states, predominantly in Iraq. We got rid of that annoying Saddam Hussein, smashed Iraq's infrastructure, and with your help sank the country into a civil war that should keep Iraq from becoming a major player in the foreseeable future. With your continued help we'll keep the racket going for a few more decades. Please keep stirring the pot with us. It's driving up the price of our stock and pushes forward our research into advanced weaponry that other nations want to buy from us at exorbitant prices. We really love the feel of that cold hard cash you're earning us. Yes, indeed, thank you very much!

And in closing, we hope Mr. Bin Ladin's dialysis machine is in good repair and our cinematic invasion of Afganistan wasn't too distressing for him and his Taliban friends. If you provide us similar help in other places that need kicking down in the future, we'll be able to keep the world's attention away from Afganistan for a good while longer. It's a win-win for all of us, wouldn't you agree? Thank you in advance. Bye now.

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